Struggling

Right now I am struggling to make it through, keep my head above water, you know all of those things people say when they are having a hard time.

I am pushing myself to finish my internship, which is winding down now but I still have twenty hours to complete...if I don't finish then I don't graduate. I then start my final class, Rare Books, and am looking forward to it except that it is two nights a week for a little over 4 hours...ughhh I won't be home until toddler G is asleep and that is going to make me miserable.

I am officially on the hunt for a job now, which is laughable considering our economy but I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for anything, well almost anything.

Toddler G keeps getting sick, not contagious I have a fever sick but...for instance last week she had a strep like virus and this week she has a horrible ear infection...which is making taking time away to complete an internship, go to class, eat dinner, go to Zumba, or even to sleep much too difficult. I'm sitting here right now and besides having just cried AT MY INTERNSHIP my eyes are burning like I should be sleeping...for days.

I'm concerned that toddler G isn't yet speaking, she sometimes will say Mama but that's pretty much it. I could swear that she has said go but not go exactly sort of gggggggu....that's it and I'm worried. Autism keeps popping up on my radar and I feel sick about it. I'm frustrated about it because I am a reader and a speaker. I spoke early as a child and was able to read well before I started kindergarten. Our donor is also, language oriented, speaking 4 languages and understanding 2 more...PhD is Latin American Literature, etc...so I feel like this is not where a delay should be happening if there is going to be one.

And now we are looking for alternate care for toddler G. She is a handful and I know that but it's really weighing on my mind. Who, where, when, how, all of those questions keep running through my mind. How will we pay for it considering I don't have a job, who will care for her as much as we and her previous sitter did. Will we have to drive across town, I'm willing to do that but how will I know if they are loving and if they give a damn about the kids or are just waiting to get paid each month?

All of these things are pressing in and down on me and I'm not sure how much longer I can do any of this.