Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I have resigned myself...

to being sad for the rest of my life about the situation with my dad...

So on December 5th my dad's house was supposed to be auctioned off in Warner Robins, Georgia and I was waiting and waiting all day for my cell to ring with the news...that we were done. I heard nothing.

So I called our (my sisters and I) attorney/the county auditor yesterday and was told that no one bought or even bid on the house so it was given back to the bank...I am so heart broken about all of this...

I just want it to be over. This is what I hate about it...
1. While waiting in the hospital I read to him, a man I didn't even know...I stood against the back wall of his room while I watched his *other* family wipe his forehead and hold his hand...I couldn't even hold his hand...i don't recall ever holding his hand as a little girl...though in pictures I am.
2. I didn't even know the bastard and I have spent SO MUCH MONEY and time going back and forth to Warner Robins...a town that I never wanted to see much less hang out in for two weeks.
3. This whole ordeal almost tore Amelia and I apart...she was studying for the bar while I was down there, I called her nightly and begged her to come, though I knew in my heart that she couldn't...I was so angry...I felt that she should have come...
4. I have had horrible things said to me....that I am a murderer for taking him off of life support, that I didn't even know him and therefore could care less about killing him, that I am...oops I mean was an insignificant speck in his life and deserve nothing,

this post was put on his online guest book at the funeral home...

We are so sorry to hear of grandpa's passing...to bad dawn was not there for him. We may not be thompson but we are closer to being thompson than you ever will be...just know that. but he loved us and claim us as thompson...the girl who wrote this is 16, 16 and she hates me that much...I met her at the hospital...

so, I am feeling like shit currently.

We are going to be screwed if the house doesn't sell, I don't even know what happens after all of this...I know that I DO NOT want to own a shitty house, in shittyville, Georgia

I cry and cry about it and him and it makes me feel dumb. I mean how is it that I didn't know him but cry a few times a month because he is gone...I don't share this with people but I'm going to today...

When we decided to pull him off life support...I asked for a few seconds alone with him...why? Hell if I know...but I thought if I could say something to him, he might come back even though he was brain dead...so I cried and held his hand and told him that he hadn't seen me since I was six and that if he just woke up we could start over...we could make up those twenty odd years, that I forgave him for not feeding me or paying our rent, for allowing us to be evicted, for choking my mom with me standing by, for everything....all of a sudden the nurses came rushing into the room because they said his blood pressure had plummeted...I'd like to think he heard me...but I doubt it. I'm sure it plummeted because he was dying, I don't know. I wonder why I said all of that...did I or do i believe it? Was it for me, was it for him. I felt this obligation to give him freedom from his past, to take it on as my own but I don't know if I did...it sure feels like it.

I am heartbroken.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you feel that way. I know that you tried your best to forgive him. He heard you, in his heart. You did what was best for him, when it needed to be done. As for the 16yr old. She doesn't know the history between the 2 of you, if she did, she would have never said that. Everyone is in a state of grief and emotions are running high. Give it a few months, and then re-examine it; cry as much as you need for the father you never had, the childhood you never had. But remember Amelia loves you, use her as your support. It gets better in time, that much I can promise. Your friends are always here for you.
LW.

Jen said...

oh man, i know how much you want to close this chapter and it seems like it keeps getting uglier.

the worst part about the comment made by the 16-yr-old is that she's just parroting what she's been told or has heard about you. she has no idea what reality is because all she can see is that you have something that she wants - a name that never meant anything but abandonment and insecurity to you.

ugh - okay. hoping for the best and if you wanna go get some el V and vent, i'm here for ya.

xoxoxo
J

tammy said...

Oh honey! I am so sorry that your father passed away. I don't have a relationship with my father, either, and I can't even imagine what it must be like to be put in the position to have to make decisions like that.

Don't pay attention to that 16 year old. The fact that she didn't have enough sense or class to know better than to leave something like that in a funeral guest book just shows what a poor excuse for a person she is.